great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
