You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
