You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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