i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
