my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
