There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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