The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
