bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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