Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
two words: eviction party
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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