I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
