i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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