He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
