I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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