My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
