New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
