Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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