Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
