im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
