My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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