He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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