I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
