I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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