i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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