At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
