I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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