I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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