you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
