my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
