If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
