During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
