drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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