Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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