sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize