if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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