did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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