so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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