Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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