I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize