Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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