I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
