Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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