you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
