Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize