He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
