11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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