He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
