I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
