My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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