god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
