she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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