Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
