...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
