Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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