There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
