I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
