4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she woke up with a sticky ear
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
