i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
