There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
