Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Houston, we have a blender
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
