I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
